Tag Archives: alone


The silence woke her, it was never this quiet, where did it all go? Suddenly her surrounding is silent but the voices in her head too loud. 
The many faces, the many voices, the endless places and adventures all gone. All she has now is silence and it drives her insane. 

Startled, she rose from her mid day gaze at the television, something she once loved, how is it that the silence is so loud that she can’t even hear her favorite show….

Staring into nothingness wondering at what point  she lost herself in this manner. Was it the time she prioritized her child (put her before herself)?, No can’t be it, what mother would ever admit to loosing herself to her child. It’s what parenting is ….right? Their happiness and comfort before your own. That cannot be it….can it?

Maybe it’s when she packed her entire life, which surprisingly fit two suitcases and crossed rivers, crossed county boundaries , passed wildlife along the way all in efforts to be with her one true love, what else matters when you are to be with your “ever after”?, isn’t that the essence of life? (How is it that in this nothingness not even that picture seems worthwhile). Then again, that cannot be the point she lost herself, that was the point of clarity, where all the past was just that, the past, she was with whom she was meant to be with, the point she found herself for sure, or maybe she lost herself to a picture perfect forever, a picture.

It’s possible she lost herself trying to fit in, in these foreign waters. Foreign place with foreign practices and a clear urge to not stand  out. 

Maybe she wasn’t meant to fit in but stand out. This is her place now, she had to fit in, while struggling to, a lot went silent, her friends slowly became distant whispers , family became a place she showed how well she was , her will for adventure became the wishes of a child, the house that was meant to be a home became her prison.

 Everything is quiet everything except the prisoner in her mind. It is not clear at what point everything went silent, one this is clear though, the silence is too loud and it has woken her. Maybe tomorrow the voices will quiet down and she will regain herself.

Maybe tomorrow she will remember how it was, what it felt like to be alive, when words flowed freely, when writing wasn’t an escape rather an experience with every article, when a drink was to pass time with friends and not pass time so she isn’t too into her mind. Her mind is a dark place, a place she cannot bare be in alone, maybe tomorrow she will find the will to pick herself up from the trenches of her mind, put on a floral dress, red lipstick and comfy flip-flops, and just walk out the door.

The world is receptive, lock yourself in and it will all pass you by, open the door, smell the dust, take in the noise from all the buzz of activities around, the first step is getting ready, somewhere along the way , she will know where to go and how to get there. Well, finding a new spot to sit and stare at the laptop wondering how to write might just be her new beginning and free wifi never hurt anyone…..

Waiter: What will you be having?

Her: whiskey, neat.

And so it begins…



a place to call home
a place to call home

I asked and I received, sought and found and now the sky truly is the limit. For the longest time I never felt like I belonged, always on the move seeking for a place to belong. Sure growing up and to date I have a place in my parents’ home, I had a glorious love filled childhood but for some time got to a place I felt lost.

All round my peers are making ground breaking achievements and here I was wasting away, everything I touched broke, business didn’t work as I hoped, relationships felt more like constrains and all I had was the stare my child gives me, like I’m invincible, I can do everything, I know everything. If only she could see how broken I am.

I went down on my knees and sought for a purpose, something to make me feel alive again, and truly there is a place for everyone on the open road. We don’t all blossom at the rate, we don’t all have it together. But for everything under the sun there is a purpose, for everything there is a season and a reason. Patience hasn’t always been my best trait, it’s a humble lesson life has taught me, now the sky is the limit, the opportunities ahead can only be limited by my imagination , the possibilities are immense and the joy to finally belong immeasurable.

Whatever the journey, the pain, the struggle. It can be conquered, I have found that I am my strongest when I am down on my knees. It doesn’t matter what happens around you but what happens within you. How you choose to process that around you, whether it will motivate you to better yourself or propel you on a down ward spiral of self-distraction and harsh criticism. I keep saying if the picture and the vision is clear in your head, don’t give up!!!!!

Details of my adventure will be shared in coming posts….

“I never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town, I got the green light, I got a little fight , I’m gonna turn this thing around”- Read my mind (Killers)


bent but not broken
bent but not broken

Often I escape from my mind, looking for something/someplace to run away to. If I could, I’d just pack a back-pack and let the road be my guide, if not for a long while at least for a while, to just be on the open road with a good book and music. Meet people along the way, interact with different cultures,different world views, see what else is out there, what else is beyond my confines.

If I had the opportunity, the greatest thing in the world would be to see beyond the horizon. A clean slate would be an awesome experience too, to reinvent myself away from the scenes and sights of the past but do we ever run away from who we are/were….do we ever get to just drop everything and re-brand.

It’s not all bad, not all in vain, though the dream to leave is alive and well there are things and people I cannot live behind. Forever carry them in my heart and close to my spirit:

The friends that have remained loyal amidst all the hardships

Family that has always been there even when they didn’t agree with me

Acquaintances that have given me a helping hand and mostly

My daughter for giving me the will to soldier on and a strong unbreakable heart that hasn’t faltered so far…

I’d love to get away, far away to a place I don’t know, maybe that place is in changing how I think and how I perceive the world around me ,or maybe it’s in getting the courage to leave my safe place, pick a destination, get a ticket and just venture out, worst case I come back to mama’s embrace certain that home truly is where the heart thrives.
Time will tell


For grass will grow...

With each passing day I miss you, and as each day passes I wonder why
Yesterday I missed your laugh and your giggles
Today I miss your touch and your gaze,
Yesterday I was strong, tears lingered but never flowed
Today I fall to my knees wondering why
Soaked in tears and a bleeding heart…
Why did you come just to rip me apart?

With each passing day,I learn,
Learn all sorts of things,
Today I know that just because I ache n bleed for you
Doesn’t mean am better off with you
As badly as I hold my pillow tight wishing it was you
Am still a better being without you
Today, I have learnt to fall asleep on your side of the bed.
I miss you, chances are tomorrow I will miss you more
But, tomorrow I just might get the strength to move on a little more
Again, my beloved, why walk in just to walk away?

Many a times I think of you,dream of what was, but I guess that’s all it was…
A dream…


Been all around,East or West no where feels like home
I’ve searched and all I see is emptiness and dark horizons
Through it all my worthy companion the long road
Always there to help me look for where I belong
Always with options and new turns
No turn leads me home.

I’ll keep searching for my East or West
In this life one deserves a place to belong
May the open road forever be my companion and music be my soulfood