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The silence woke her, it was never this quiet, where did it all go? Suddenly her surrounding is silent but the voices in her head too loud. 
The many faces, the many voices, the endless places and adventures all gone. All she has now is silence and it drives her insane. 

Startled, she rose from her mid day gaze at the television, something she once loved, how is it that the silence is so loud that she can’t even hear her favorite show….

Staring into nothingness wondering at what point  she lost herself in this manner. Was it the time she prioritized her child (put her before herself)?, No can’t be it, what mother would ever admit to loosing herself to her child. It’s what parenting is ….right? Their happiness and comfort before your own. That cannot be it….can it?

Maybe it’s when she packed her entire life, which surprisingly fit two suitcases and crossed rivers, crossed county boundaries , passed wildlife along the way all in efforts to be with her one true love, what else matters when you are to be with your “ever after”?, isn’t that the essence of life? (How is it that in this nothingness not even that picture seems worthwhile). Then again, that cannot be the point she lost herself, that was the point of clarity, where all the past was just that, the past, she was with whom she was meant to be with, the point she found herself for sure, or maybe she lost herself to a picture perfect forever, a picture.

It’s possible she lost herself trying to fit in, in these foreign waters. Foreign place with foreign practices and a clear urge to not stand  out. 

Maybe she wasn’t meant to fit in but stand out. This is her place now, she had to fit in, while struggling to, a lot went silent, her friends slowly became distant whispers , family became a place she showed how well she was , her will for adventure became the wishes of a child, the house that was meant to be a home became her prison.

 Everything is quiet everything except the prisoner in her mind. It is not clear at what point everything went silent, one this is clear though, the silence is too loud and it has woken her. Maybe tomorrow the voices will quiet down and she will regain herself.

Maybe tomorrow she will remember how it was, what it felt like to be alive, when words flowed freely, when writing wasn’t an escape rather an experience with every article, when a drink was to pass time with friends and not pass time so she isn’t too into her mind. Her mind is a dark place, a place she cannot bare be in alone, maybe tomorrow she will find the will to pick herself up from the trenches of her mind, put on a floral dress, red lipstick and comfy flip-flops, and just walk out the door.

The world is receptive, lock yourself in and it will all pass you by, open the door, smell the dust, take in the noise from all the buzz of activities around, the first step is getting ready, somewhere along the way , she will know where to go and how to get there. Well, finding a new spot to sit and stare at the laptop wondering how to write might just be her new beginning and free wifi never hurt anyone…..

Waiter: What will you be having?

Her: whiskey, neat.

And so it begins…




I was in a rut recently , in urgent need of help, had exhausted all quick fix options so decided to go through my phonebook.

Scrolling ……

There are those contacts that are just for ‘Hi ‘ and ‘bye’ not really situation fixers ……so pass.

There are those who are never in a position to help but always seek your help whenever they need it again …pass.

Those that ‘have it all figured out’ but cannot act on seconds notice, always doing well but always ‘not currently available’ … mmm pass.

Then there is that one you can call and sure as the sky is blue will drop everything and find solutions with you, but contacting them doesn’t come easy. The sort of people you reach out to when it’s def con 5 or something…..so do you reach them when all you need is a nudge and not moving planets?

After going through my contact list twice and realizing no one will solve my emergency for me but me, I remembered it  was once said , ‘Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part’ , but can we really anticipate all posible outcomes?

Only you can save you. The occasional help is well needed but in the end what needs to be done should and will be done and no one else will do it for you but you. It may sound too black and white….well maybe it is.

Don’t wait on someone else to fix your leaking roof or hide your nude. Do what you can and live to fight another day. My situation may have kicked me in the gut but it did not pin me down. Seek to find answers and with each small win take time to pat yourself on the shoulder.

No one will understand the struggle more clearly or appreciate the little triumphs more than you.

We all face challenges on a daily basis focus on dealing with yours everyone else has theirs …..

Ps. Keep your circle small. Rather one reliable source than a hundred on lookers. It’s better to smile alone than among fraudsters posing as friends.


She was his now she is hers…..

It never occured to her that her belief in love was all  figment of her imagination. The trust that , ‘What you give, you will receive ten fold’…sweet, when you think of it , only what is received is sometimes insurmountable. Give with no prospects of receiving or at least give with no regard of receiving what you gave…..(makes sense right?)

He was hers and she carried him everywhere, wherever she was he wasn’t far behind if not beside her. They completed each others sentences and spoke the same language. He was it for her, without him she was all thorns and no rose.

Now she has to learn to be herself by herself and for herself. She has to learn to smell the roses alone and enjoy the world nontheless. She has to curve a route and follow through if she is to be better.

“What’s dead may never die”,  she knows what love feels like and what it doesn’t. Now she has to give it to herself and accept to receive it from herself……..

“Be happy alone, happy together or even both just don’t be the reason she/he wants to be happy alone. “- moh


For a moment there she was his and he was hers. Unquestionable truth, it was known. They were the best version they could be, effortlessly happy, tried and tested and with each passing adventure the isle drew closer.

They picked their colors and dreamt of their day before man and God professing their truth. They chose the napkins and decided on the shades and shapes …..blissful.

Then the devil came in. Happiness became like chasing the wind. The dream a distant glare. She tried to hold on, as much as the strength within allowed her, he fought for the days past and the hope of an effortless tomorrow. All to no avail.

They had become so comfortable in their universe and gave no regard to the evil lingering, plotting, strategizing and eventually striking. They loved so hard that went it cracked, it instantly broke. They dreamt and forgot to shield their love.

She was his now she is hers.



We may never recover what is lost. Never un-ring a bell. Often times tears are the only way of cleaning the stains away. Cry,scream, let it all out then wipe your tears, pick up what’s left of you and live to fight another day.

Packing up the shit isn’t easy either. Every now and then when the music comes on, the mind wanders. When we least expect it the phone rings ….a call that should go unanswered but the body is weak. Though we fight to soldier on ,we bend along the way. It is not a one time decision but a decision to choose every time temptation calls, every day till it becomes what we know.

Choose to choose yourself. Accept your past and leave it behind. It should not define your present nor determine your future. Choose to believe there is more to life than cleaning up tainted slates and worn out smiles.

Finally, when the phone rings, when the door bell rings or a shoulder tap happens… Don’t be afraid to answer because by choosing yourself you have all the control.

Before you know it , all will be distant memories to be recalled when a sad scene comes on in a movie. A moment in time not what is….



Ever just wondered, everything that could go wrong did go wrong. We all plan, have somewhat of a layout of how things ought to play out. When the universe goes out of its way to throw you off your game, take you for a punch line and just keep stomping. How do you hold your head high?
Getting lost behind the key board seems like the easiest route. At least to some of my kind. Behind a key board you can say whatever, be whatever , not care much for consequences ,just be. But that’s the worst kind of getting away anyone can do.
Trying to be great and awesome when all you wanna do is crawl in a ball of warm and fuzzy and just let the world pass you by. When all you can manage is your next breathe, just do that…..breath!!
We break, but don’t remain broken. We ache and pain but we heal and mend too.
Do what comforts your soul when all else fails. And for that brief moment step away from behind the key board and experience the beauty of life outside.
It won’t be as easy to talk to strangers, like someone’s Burger or just comment on some random persons slug comment. It won’t be easy to follow someone or re post what they just said.
It will be special, the connections not superficial and the conversations real.
With that said, am putting down my smart phone and hopefully the next person that says “Hi” will be a permanent fixture in my life.
With all the plans out the door, a reality check seems due……