Tag Archives: change

QUIET THE SILENCE

The silence woke her, it was never this quiet, where did it all go? Suddenly her surrounding is silent but the voices in her head too loud. 
The many faces, the many voices, the endless places and adventures all gone. All she has now is silence and it drives her insane. 

Startled, she rose from her mid day gaze at the television, something she once loved, how is it that the silence is so loud that she can’t even hear her favorite show….

Staring into nothingness wondering at what point  she lost herself in this manner. Was it the time she prioritized her child (put her before herself)?, No can’t be it, what mother would ever admit to loosing herself to her child. It’s what parenting is ….right? Their happiness and comfort before your own. That cannot be it….can it?

Maybe it’s when she packed her entire life, which surprisingly fit two suitcases and crossed rivers, crossed county boundaries , passed wildlife along the way all in efforts to be with her one true love, what else matters when you are to be with your “ever after”?, isn’t that the essence of life? (How is it that in this nothingness not even that picture seems worthwhile). Then again, that cannot be the point she lost herself, that was the point of clarity, where all the past was just that, the past, she was with whom she was meant to be with, the point she found herself for sure, or maybe she lost herself to a picture perfect forever, a picture.

It’s possible she lost herself trying to fit in, in these foreign waters. Foreign place with foreign practices and a clear urge to not stand  out. 

Maybe she wasn’t meant to fit in but stand out. This is her place now, she had to fit in, while struggling to, a lot went silent, her friends slowly became distant whispers , family became a place she showed how well she was , her will for adventure became the wishes of a child, the house that was meant to be a home became her prison.

 Everything is quiet everything except the prisoner in her mind. It is not clear at what point everything went silent, one this is clear though, the silence is too loud and it has woken her. Maybe tomorrow the voices will quiet down and she will regain herself.

Maybe tomorrow she will remember how it was, what it felt like to be alive, when words flowed freely, when writing wasn’t an escape rather an experience with every article, when a drink was to pass time with friends and not pass time so she isn’t too into her mind. Her mind is a dark place, a place she cannot bare be in alone, maybe tomorrow she will find the will to pick herself up from the trenches of her mind, put on a floral dress, red lipstick and comfy flip-flops, and just walk out the door.

The world is receptive, lock yourself in and it will all pass you by, open the door, smell the dust, take in the noise from all the buzz of activities around, the first step is getting ready, somewhere along the way , she will know where to go and how to get there. Well, finding a new spot to sit and stare at the laptop wondering how to write might just be her new beginning and free wifi never hurt anyone…..

Waiter: What will you be having?

Her: whiskey, neat.

And so it begins…

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2016 IN REVIEW

“Even at your highest seek Him” 
Almost done with this calendar, going in I had resolutions and strategies. Honestly most didn’t make it to the second week.I got an early lesson in keeping the faith, living a day at a time and focusing on happiness- seems too simplistic now, but then it was a daunting task. 

Accepting your position does not necessarily mean dwelling on it or claiming it. It simply means you are not blind to your predicaments (if any) or happiness (if so, keep it up) . In my case it was the previous. Taking charge of my situation worked for me, looking back it is almost like a fantasy novel. 

The damsel in distress, went and saved herself. The unhappy, burdened mother learnt to accept help where necessary and enjoy motherhood. The girlfriend that felt unappreciated took a closer look into the mirror and identified the log. The struggling student, well still struggles because postgraduate ain’t no joke! But now with a working support system…😃😃

This year has by far been one for the record books for me. I’m now aware of who I am, who I want to be and above all who I believe in. Truly He is Lord of Lords. As we Celebrate Christmas let Christ be born in your heart.  Remember it’s about the birth of Christ not Santa sliding down the chimney…..

NOW Vs THEN

It’s easy to get swamped with life and its intricacies once  you take the leap to share your life with someone. More often than not I find myself staring at the mirror wondering if I recognize the person staring back. Other times I cannot get over how I have changed, from the individual who thought on linear basis , ” What are the repercussions to me?” (Most times I did it anyway) to someone who considers her partner, my life isn’t mine to gamble with, decisions not only impact me but my partner too. 

Some decisions I hate but it’s what’s right for the ‘team’, and in all sincerity the ‘team’ should come first.  Some I cannot make alone because I could be none the wiser and others are so obvious its amazing! 

It is easy to disregard consciously or unconsciously what your every day routine reflects on your spouse. You can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to do in the absence of their spouse. Sure, walk around naked ever so often, sing off tune in the shower , dance with the girls or ride with the boys….keep doing you to bring out the best in both of you. Let it not be for show that you hold hands, laugh heartly or talk to each other kindly. Let it be who you people are on and off the camera.

Your life does not seize being yours just because you choose to say ‘Yes/ I do’ it does however reflect on your better half. Relationships can be happy and marriage beautiful just choose to be…..

Hey I’m Maureen

image

Loving your company is one thing. Doing away with the rest of the universes is another thing. There are those individuals that come and go , those that cross our path and with every possible outcome losing them is not an option….but as luck would have it, whether by fate or design they end up being distant memories. Doesn’t matter how many people come and go. How many stay just to leave a little ways  down the road, choosing to be an island is no way to live.
With every exit comes pain and eventually bliss. May sound naive and ‘self assuaring’ maybe it is truth is ,pain is not perpetual neither is feeling lost. People leave and in the same breath come.
Learning to accept that could deem to be a  daunting task but also very comforting. Who knows the next encounter might be the one generations to come make reference to when talking about ‘great encounters’.

Don’t be an island. Live don’t just exist!!

PARIS ATTACK

do not hide behind religion
do not hide behind religion

If you think about all the wrong in the world, there is absolutely very little (if any) reason to be happy, to be cheerful, and to be positive about. Yet each day we approach life with vigor and determination to make it count, each day we push through different obstacles and sometimes end a day with a genuine smile. Through all the trials we hang on to tiny fragments of heaven, could be family, friends, endearing work or simply inner peace.

When that gets taken away, times  we bend and break, when the pressure breaks its limits and all comes crumbling down, when man turns absolutely inhuman, unfathomable hate takes over; could have said turns cannibalistic but cannibals aren’t this cruel and malicious.  Only humans are capable of such brutality towards self.

When hell rises, whatever fiber of good left within us has to fight to weather the storm. When all hope seems lost, we stand with bated breathe  that good shall prevail. We may lose a few battles along the way but don’t lose site of the war.

We wipe pour tears, mourn our dead, innocent souls gone before their time. All for what? Cowardice…..

Rest with the angels knowing your presence in this dark world makes someone look forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow where the war is yet to be won!!!

LIVE IT UP

a place to call home
a place to call home

I asked and I received, sought and found and now the sky truly is the limit. For the longest time I never felt like I belonged, always on the move seeking for a place to belong. Sure growing up and to date I have a place in my parents’ home, I had a glorious love filled childhood but for some time got to a place I felt lost.

All round my peers are making ground breaking achievements and here I was wasting away, everything I touched broke, business didn’t work as I hoped, relationships felt more like constrains and all I had was the stare my child gives me, like I’m invincible, I can do everything, I know everything. If only she could see how broken I am.

I went down on my knees and sought for a purpose, something to make me feel alive again, and truly there is a place for everyone on the open road. We don’t all blossom at the rate, we don’t all have it together. But for everything under the sun there is a purpose, for everything there is a season and a reason. Patience hasn’t always been my best trait, it’s a humble lesson life has taught me, now the sky is the limit, the opportunities ahead can only be limited by my imagination , the possibilities are immense and the joy to finally belong immeasurable.

Whatever the journey, the pain, the struggle. It can be conquered, I have found that I am my strongest when I am down on my knees. It doesn’t matter what happens around you but what happens within you. How you choose to process that around you, whether it will motivate you to better yourself or propel you on a down ward spiral of self-distraction and harsh criticism. I keep saying if the picture and the vision is clear in your head, don’t give up!!!!!

Details of my adventure will be shared in coming posts….

“I never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town, I got the green light, I got a little fight , I’m gonna turn this thing around”- Read my mind (Killers)

RUNNING AWAY OR RE-INVENTING….

bent but not broken
bent but not broken

Often I escape from my mind, looking for something/someplace to run away to. If I could, I’d just pack a back-pack and let the road be my guide, if not for a long while at least for a while, to just be on the open road with a good book and music. Meet people along the way, interact with different cultures,different world views, see what else is out there, what else is beyond my confines.

If I had the opportunity, the greatest thing in the world would be to see beyond the horizon. A clean slate would be an awesome experience too, to reinvent myself away from the scenes and sights of the past but do we ever run away from who we are/were….do we ever get to just drop everything and re-brand.

It’s not all bad, not all in vain, though the dream to leave is alive and well there are things and people I cannot live behind. Forever carry them in my heart and close to my spirit:

The friends that have remained loyal amidst all the hardships

Family that has always been there even when they didn’t agree with me

Acquaintances that have given me a helping hand and mostly

My daughter for giving me the will to soldier on and a strong unbreakable heart that hasn’t faltered so far…

I’d love to get away, far away to a place I don’t know, maybe that place is in changing how I think and how I perceive the world around me ,or maybe it’s in getting the courage to leave my safe place, pick a destination, get a ticket and just venture out, worst case I come back to mama’s embrace certain that home truly is where the heart thrives.
Time will tell