Tag Archives: courage

The Courage to be Courageous

 

Courage
I DID IT!

Be brave to go against the grain against what Theodore Roosevelt termed as “those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Continue reading The Courage to be Courageous

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QUIET THE SILENCE

The silence woke her, it was never this quiet, where did it all go? Suddenly her surrounding is silent but the voices in her head too loud. 
The many faces, the many voices, the endless places and adventures all gone. All she has now is silence and it drives her insane. 

Startled, she rose from her mid day gaze at the television, something she once loved, how is it that the silence is so loud that she can’t even hear her favorite show….

Staring into nothingness wondering at what point  she lost herself in this manner. Was it the time she prioritized her child (put her before herself)?, No can’t be it, what mother would ever admit to loosing herself to her child. It’s what parenting is ….right? Their happiness and comfort before your own. That cannot be it….can it?

Maybe it’s when she packed her entire life, which surprisingly fit two suitcases and crossed rivers, crossed county boundaries , passed wildlife along the way all in efforts to be with her one true love, what else matters when you are to be with your “ever after”?, isn’t that the essence of life? (How is it that in this nothingness not even that picture seems worthwhile). Then again, that cannot be the point she lost herself, that was the point of clarity, where all the past was just that, the past, she was with whom she was meant to be with, the point she found herself for sure, or maybe she lost herself to a picture perfect forever, a picture.

It’s possible she lost herself trying to fit in, in these foreign waters. Foreign place with foreign practices and a clear urge to not stand  out. 

Maybe she wasn’t meant to fit in but stand out. This is her place now, she had to fit in, while struggling to, a lot went silent, her friends slowly became distant whispers , family became a place she showed how well she was , her will for adventure became the wishes of a child, the house that was meant to be a home became her prison.

 Everything is quiet everything except the prisoner in her mind. It is not clear at what point everything went silent, one this is clear though, the silence is too loud and it has woken her. Maybe tomorrow the voices will quiet down and she will regain herself.

Maybe tomorrow she will remember how it was, what it felt like to be alive, when words flowed freely, when writing wasn’t an escape rather an experience with every article, when a drink was to pass time with friends and not pass time so she isn’t too into her mind. Her mind is a dark place, a place she cannot bare be in alone, maybe tomorrow she will find the will to pick herself up from the trenches of her mind, put on a floral dress, red lipstick and comfy flip-flops, and just walk out the door.

The world is receptive, lock yourself in and it will all pass you by, open the door, smell the dust, take in the noise from all the buzz of activities around, the first step is getting ready, somewhere along the way , she will know where to go and how to get there. Well, finding a new spot to sit and stare at the laptop wondering how to write might just be her new beginning and free wifi never hurt anyone…..

Waiter: What will you be having?

Her: whiskey, neat.

And so it begins…

WHEN THE DOUBT IN YOU IS GREATER THAN THE FAITH IN YOU

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It’s 11.15 pm. We just got off a very uncomfortable four hour bus ride, and we still have a 300km drive to look forward to. Naturally, I am exhausted  and hungry. All that I want is food and the embrace of my bed, but we are in the middle of nowhere so neither is an option. We get to the car and like he always does, he goes round it to inspect the tyres, returns with a grim look on his face to announce that the front tyres are almost flat. Driving late into the night, on a meandering road with barely inflated tyres can be quiet scary. At this point I am more than glad to just park the car at a gas station and fall  asleep, worry about it in the morning, but even that is not a viable option seeing as the place is so deserted we would be sitting ducks.
So we decide to risk it, start the journey hoping to find a petrol station that is open and has a functional pressure pump.

First station, pump is broken, but they direct us to a nearby station, so my hope is not beat.

Second Station, pump is broken, I begin to despair.

Third station, no pump at all. Now I am really losing my cool. ‘This can’t be happening to us. I just cannot deal with this right now. We are probably going to be attacked, raped and killed in no particular order out here’ – when my mind goes on a rampage, scary territory!!  How is he so calm? Does he not see our sadistically painful deaths slowly beckoning us?

Fourth station, they have a pump but they have about 10, 22-wheeler petroleum tankers blocking it, and yes, they are parked for the night, their drivers being the reason we can’t get a room anywhere in this God forsaken town. We drive out the station quietly, but deep inside I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I am too pretty to die like this. This is not how I pictured I would be going out.

Fifth Station, at this point I am not even trying to hope for something.  He rolls up to the pump, gets out of the car and goes to try. I have my eyes closed and my face facing the roof of the car praying to the God of Ann Waiguru to grant us some of that undeserved favour . He returns to the car, it doesn’t work. I can feel tears building up, so I ask him, what the next move is, he says, with all the certainty in his voice, “we keep going”.

Sixth Station. This is not even a station, it looks like a kerosene pump in the middle of nowhere. Only one pump,  one guard and somewhat of a pressure pump at the far end. Instantly, I disregard it, advised him to not bother and just drive off into the unknown. “This just might be it”…a silent, hopeful voice came through. He parked just beside the pump , got out and tested it. True to his words. That was it!!! After 6 attempts, a hopeless co-driver..the proverbial silver lining!

Got our tires fixed, breathed a sigh of relief and drove off more confident than ever. Through out the rest of the way we pointed out all the various ways things could have gone wrong 🙂

When your faith fails, but you have someone unwavering in hope it’s a beautiful thing. We overcame because he didn’t loose hope. I wish I could have his optimism and his desire to keep going.

Well, it’s a year of change and am certainly taking notes and learning how to self improve and be a little more resilient and courageous.

Next time you are on a dark, windy , foreign route…keep the faith it will see you through. It doesn’t matter how impossible it may seem just don’t tap out…..

A WIN AT A TIME

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Why bother?
Why fight on?
Why keep on when quitting is so much easier?
Well only you know WHY! Only you know why quitting isn’t an option though the thought is a constant thorn. When all forces seem to work against you, why fight back? I find myself in this position many a times and in every instance I find myself making different decisions. Sometimes I lose ,but eventually (seconds later) slap myself and get back on the horse. Only I know quitting is not an option. If you start then by every breathe in you keep at it!!

IT’S NOT OVER UNTIL THE FAT LADY SINGS…. too bad she is on a diet :).
So fight on until you say it’s over.

PARIS ATTACK

do not hide behind religion
do not hide behind religion

If you think about all the wrong in the world, there is absolutely very little (if any) reason to be happy, to be cheerful, and to be positive about. Yet each day we approach life with vigor and determination to make it count, each day we push through different obstacles and sometimes end a day with a genuine smile. Through all the trials we hang on to tiny fragments of heaven, could be family, friends, endearing work or simply inner peace.

When that gets taken away, times  we bend and break, when the pressure breaks its limits and all comes crumbling down, when man turns absolutely inhuman, unfathomable hate takes over; could have said turns cannibalistic but cannibals aren’t this cruel and malicious.  Only humans are capable of such brutality towards self.

When hell rises, whatever fiber of good left within us has to fight to weather the storm. When all hope seems lost, we stand with bated breathe  that good shall prevail. We may lose a few battles along the way but don’t lose site of the war.

We wipe pour tears, mourn our dead, innocent souls gone before their time. All for what? Cowardice…..

Rest with the angels knowing your presence in this dark world makes someone look forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow where the war is yet to be won!!!

LIVE IT UP

a place to call home
a place to call home

I asked and I received, sought and found and now the sky truly is the limit. For the longest time I never felt like I belonged, always on the move seeking for a place to belong. Sure growing up and to date I have a place in my parents’ home, I had a glorious love filled childhood but for some time got to a place I felt lost.

All round my peers are making ground breaking achievements and here I was wasting away, everything I touched broke, business didn’t work as I hoped, relationships felt more like constrains and all I had was the stare my child gives me, like I’m invincible, I can do everything, I know everything. If only she could see how broken I am.

I went down on my knees and sought for a purpose, something to make me feel alive again, and truly there is a place for everyone on the open road. We don’t all blossom at the rate, we don’t all have it together. But for everything under the sun there is a purpose, for everything there is a season and a reason. Patience hasn’t always been my best trait, it’s a humble lesson life has taught me, now the sky is the limit, the opportunities ahead can only be limited by my imagination , the possibilities are immense and the joy to finally belong immeasurable.

Whatever the journey, the pain, the struggle. It can be conquered, I have found that I am my strongest when I am down on my knees. It doesn’t matter what happens around you but what happens within you. How you choose to process that around you, whether it will motivate you to better yourself or propel you on a down ward spiral of self-distraction and harsh criticism. I keep saying if the picture and the vision is clear in your head, don’t give up!!!!!

Details of my adventure will be shared in coming posts….

“I never really gave up on breaking out of this two-star town, I got the green light, I got a little fight , I’m gonna turn this thing around”- Read my mind (Killers)

RUNNING AWAY OR RE-INVENTING….

bent but not broken
bent but not broken

Often I escape from my mind, looking for something/someplace to run away to. If I could, I’d just pack a back-pack and let the road be my guide, if not for a long while at least for a while, to just be on the open road with a good book and music. Meet people along the way, interact with different cultures,different world views, see what else is out there, what else is beyond my confines.

If I had the opportunity, the greatest thing in the world would be to see beyond the horizon. A clean slate would be an awesome experience too, to reinvent myself away from the scenes and sights of the past but do we ever run away from who we are/were….do we ever get to just drop everything and re-brand.

It’s not all bad, not all in vain, though the dream to leave is alive and well there are things and people I cannot live behind. Forever carry them in my heart and close to my spirit:

The friends that have remained loyal amidst all the hardships

Family that has always been there even when they didn’t agree with me

Acquaintances that have given me a helping hand and mostly

My daughter for giving me the will to soldier on and a strong unbreakable heart that hasn’t faltered so far…

I’d love to get away, far away to a place I don’t know, maybe that place is in changing how I think and how I perceive the world around me ,or maybe it’s in getting the courage to leave my safe place, pick a destination, get a ticket and just venture out, worst case I come back to mama’s embrace certain that home truly is where the heart thrives.
Time will tell