Tag Archives: Life

QUIET THE SILENCE

The silence woke her, it was never this quiet, where did it all go? Suddenly her surrounding is silent but the voices in her head too loud. 
The many faces, the many voices, the endless places and adventures all gone. All she has now is silence and it drives her insane. 

Startled, she rose from her mid day gaze at the television, something she once loved, how is it that the silence is so loud that she can’t even hear her favorite show….

Staring into nothingness wondering at what point  she lost herself in this manner. Was it the time she prioritized her child (put her before herself)?, No can’t be it, what mother would ever admit to loosing herself to her child. It’s what parenting is ….right? Their happiness and comfort before your own. That cannot be it….can it?

Maybe it’s when she packed her entire life, which surprisingly fit two suitcases and crossed rivers, crossed county boundaries , passed wildlife along the way all in efforts to be with her one true love, what else matters when you are to be with your “ever after”?, isn’t that the essence of life? (How is it that in this nothingness not even that picture seems worthwhile). Then again, that cannot be the point she lost herself, that was the point of clarity, where all the past was just that, the past, she was with whom she was meant to be with, the point she found herself for sure, or maybe she lost herself to a picture perfect forever, a picture.

It’s possible she lost herself trying to fit in, in these foreign waters. Foreign place with foreign practices and a clear urge to not stand  out. 

Maybe she wasn’t meant to fit in but stand out. This is her place now, she had to fit in, while struggling to, a lot went silent, her friends slowly became distant whispers , family became a place she showed how well she was , her will for adventure became the wishes of a child, the house that was meant to be a home became her prison.

 Everything is quiet everything except the prisoner in her mind. It is not clear at what point everything went silent, one this is clear though, the silence is too loud and it has woken her. Maybe tomorrow the voices will quiet down and she will regain herself.

Maybe tomorrow she will remember how it was, what it felt like to be alive, when words flowed freely, when writing wasn’t an escape rather an experience with every article, when a drink was to pass time with friends and not pass time so she isn’t too into her mind. Her mind is a dark place, a place she cannot bare be in alone, maybe tomorrow she will find the will to pick herself up from the trenches of her mind, put on a floral dress, red lipstick and comfy flip-flops, and just walk out the door.

The world is receptive, lock yourself in and it will all pass you by, open the door, smell the dust, take in the noise from all the buzz of activities around, the first step is getting ready, somewhere along the way , she will know where to go and how to get there. Well, finding a new spot to sit and stare at the laptop wondering how to write might just be her new beginning and free wifi never hurt anyone…..

Waiter: What will you be having?

Her: whiskey, neat.

And so it begins…

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WINE PLEASE

Can’t take for granted the pressure that comes with being integrated into your spouse’s life. Trying to figure out what position you hold in the pack can be quite intriguing. 
Every now and then the “boys” want to have a couples evening and most times the ladies aren’t as acquainted with each other as the boys. The boys are the reason WAGS come together. 

Recently I found myself at a loss. Sitted at a corner with just my bottle of wine..coz…who needs a glass? Staring into oblivion of my own making wondering who the hell  I am in this equation.

From my own research (read reality shows). Every dynamic has some of this….

There’s always that one that is the loudest and makes you wanna take double shots just to mute her in your head. She is funny no doubt but in very tiny doses. 

The light weight who taps out first and is off to cause mayhem hopefully with her significant other coz again who has time?

The miss goodie two shoes who has all the answers to everything marriage , parenthood, career choices and recipes but doesn’t seem to have a grip in her own affairs. Don’t get wrong I totally believe in ‘Do as I say not as I do ‘ but sometimes let’s just say ‘Do as I do not as I say’….or just let us watch what all those self help books have come handy….(not) 

So for now as I gather my thoughts I think am okay being the one that hoards the wine or whatever other position they may have conjured in their mind. Oh dear Lord hope am not the boring one, seeing as I’m the one sitted in a corner having a conversation with my wine….then again I’m overly hilarious in my head, no way am the boring one.

One thing for sure, it is never a dull moment when the boys decide to let all of us come together. I am forced to believe this is in attempt to make us believe this is what they do even in our absence…..why are this setups so predictable anyway?….where is the tiger? Why aren’t we stealing a cop car? Where is the crazy ex who somehow shows up from nowhere? 

Well, lemme take another chill pill…better yet where’s the wine I seem to be running low….

NOW Vs THEN

It’s easy to get swamped with life and its intricacies once  you take the leap to share your life with someone. More often than not I find myself staring at the mirror wondering if I recognize the person staring back. Other times I cannot get over how I have changed, from the individual who thought on linear basis , ” What are the repercussions to me?” (Most times I did it anyway) to someone who considers her partner, my life isn’t mine to gamble with, decisions not only impact me but my partner too. 

Some decisions I hate but it’s what’s right for the ‘team’, and in all sincerity the ‘team’ should come first.  Some I cannot make alone because I could be none the wiser and others are so obvious its amazing! 

It is easy to disregard consciously or unconsciously what your every day routine reflects on your spouse. You can tell a lot about a person by what they choose to do in the absence of their spouse. Sure, walk around naked ever so often, sing off tune in the shower , dance with the girls or ride with the boys….keep doing you to bring out the best in both of you. Let it not be for show that you hold hands, laugh heartly or talk to each other kindly. Let it be who you people are on and off the camera.

Your life does not seize being yours just because you choose to say ‘Yes/ I do’ it does however reflect on your better half. Relationships can be happy and marriage beautiful just choose to be…..

SINKING SHIP

For a moment there she was his and he was hers. Unquestionable truth, it was known. They were the best version they could be, effortlessly happy, tried and tested and with each passing adventure the isle drew closer.

They picked their colors and dreamt of their day before man and God professing their truth. They chose the napkins and decided on the shades and shapes …..blissful.

Then the devil came in. Happiness became like chasing the wind. The dream a distant glare. She tried to hold on, as much as the strength within allowed her, he fought for the days past and the hope of an effortless tomorrow. All to no avail.

They had become so comfortable in their universe and gave no regard to the evil lingering, plotting, strategizing and eventually striking. They loved so hard that went it cracked, it instantly broke. They dreamt and forgot to shield their love.

She was his now she is hers.

THE ART OF BULLSHITTING

I understand the urge to bullshit…fit in… and the cautionary tale of ‘fake it till you make it’. What I seem to be boggled with is the desire to have an accomplice. The undeniable need of needing someone to justify your ‘faking it’.

May it be a slight misrepresentation on a résumé. There has to be a referee to back it up. A new attraction, got to have a best friend to speak on your untamed awesomeness etc.
Then there is the one that totally feels like a hostile take over, you are almost compelled to stand by whatever ‘bullshit’ is served. Have to come across as a united front….right? Marriage…..relationship…. 😕 (your till death/divorce / next fling co-conspirator)

I’m an absolute believer in dreaming beyond your wildest dreams phenomenon and the school of thought of aiming for the stars just to land on the moon. It’s all well and good until you start believing the ‘bullshit’ you are serving. Trying to sell to the very person that covers your nakedness probably not a genius idea.  Don’t eat your own supply…..

Once it goes to your head to a point you can’t tell reality from make belief , probably the right stage to pull over the chuchu train and re-strategize. Forgetting the whole purpose of the ‘bullshit’ and just taking it to be your truth doesn’t automatically make it so. Sustaining it may look doable but that’s bullshit too😎.

Keep your ‘bullshit’ believable to some extent. Once the car, house, make belief career growth, wardrobe and what not is stripped down at least let your relationship (read reference) be stable. That one person that can blow your house of cards should at least be on the same thinking level as you….(if there is such a thing).

MY MUKIRI

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God gave me you for the ups and downs

I carry you in my heart
Carry you every where
With every stride and every challenge
Your presence encourages me

I’m glad you chose me
Glad you came to me
Through you I have learnt to love
And love with every fibre of me

Now I can’t imagine a universe we don’t meet
A time I’m not yours and you’re not mine
Cursed be the day we depart from each other
Blessed be the eternity we spend

Mama loves you, adores you and would give up everything to see you smile and live free for all of time.

IN THE HANDS OF A WOMAN

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don’t let them all fade away.

In the hands of a woman, the sun shines brighter,

All sense of reason her reasoning

All wonder in the world no longer worth exploring

And all your needs and desires “fulfilled”

Recognize her presence and thank your lucky stars for her

Worship her hands and the power they bestow

 

Where nuclear family becomes extended

In her hands, lies all the family you need

A unison decision (of course) coz how did you ever exist without her

In the hands of a woman, you are what she decides is best for you

 

Love deeply, love wisely and most importantly

Hold her hand, after all the burnt bridges

All you have is her hands and the belief that

All you did is what is best for you

 

In her, through her, long life friends are no longer worthy

Different opinions are battle grounds

Common grounds looked at with suspicion

Always guard up, always on the defensive

Yet without her, what a horrible life it would be

 

In the hands of a woman, lies unimaginable power

The head is the head, but it cannot move in any direction without the neck

She has you right where she wants you, making decisions but don’t forget

She is in charge!!!